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Blaming:
The sex offender who uses
blaming, can find an excuse not to solve his/her
problems. When the offender blames others, he/she
is no longer responsible. Blaming can be used to
build up resentment toward someone else for
"causing" whatever has happened.
Through the blaming technique, the offender can be angry
at or have his/her family angry at "someone else",
rather than him/herself. Examples would include
blaming the daughters friend that told, or the
investigators, the judge, the DA, anyone will do as long
as the focus is off the offender.
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Seeking Sympathy:
Sex offenders do not like
to feel as though they are wrong. They will feel
better if they can get others to feel sorry for them.
Seeking sympathy is when the offender says or does
things in order to get others to feel sorry for him/her.
E.g., confessing about their own childhood abuse, and
statements like, "My family would be better off without
me."
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Justifying:
Justifying is very much like blaming or excuse making,
in that when the offender justifies, he has found a way
of explaining the reason for things.
The offender does not want to recognize that things are
the way they are because of his/her actions.
Examples: "She needed to learn about sex from someone
who truly cared for her" or "He wasn't my natural son,
only my stepson".
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Redefining:
The process of redefining is shifting the focus of an
issue to avoid solving the problem. Redefining is
also used as a power play to get the focus away from the
offender. A conversation with someone who uses
this defense might sound like:
Question:"Why do you need time alone with that child?"
Answer: "Did you know that it is a proven fact that
children who are mentored do better in school."
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Pet Me:
The sex offender is usually very selfish and thinks only
of his needs. When the offender employs this
tactic, he/she often will set up other people so that
his/her needs are constantly being met. He/she
will want to do things so that he/she receives "pats on
the head". He/she wants to be noticed, cuddled and
certainly wants to avoid feeling badly. Offenders
are very keen at finding people who will enable this
behavior. It might be expressed by frequent
quizzing about things he/she has told you about
themselves or crying and asking someone to pray with
them.
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Lying:
Lying is one of the most common thinking errors used by
sex offenders. It is done in many different ways
and is used to confuse, distort, or make fools of other
people. There are three kinds of lies:
1) Making up things that are
simply not true and have not happened.
2) Saying things that are
partly true but leaves out important details that, if
known, would certainly change the situation.
3) When his/her behavior or
actions are not accurate or that suggests something is
not true. Like showing support for a person and
then undermining them to others.
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Uniqueness:
This thinking error allows the sex offender to believe
that his/her crime, or their past is special and
different from other offenders so therefore the same
rules do not apply. This offender will want
specialized treatment or individual instructions and
constantly focuses on his/her differences, no matter how
small, rather than recognize the glaring similarities.
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Making Fools Of:
Making fools of others allows the offender to feel
powerful and in control. To avoid being made a
fool of, people around him/her, often become very
dependent. If the offender can keep everyone
waiting, hoping, and wondering, he/she will be in a
position of power. When he/she gets someone to
depend on him/her, he/she may fail intentionally to make
that person look foolish for depending on him/her.
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Assuming:
Sex offenders spend a great deal of time believing or
thinking that they are so powerful, so smart, that they
know how others think and feel.
They typically do not check the facts and do not
actually care what other people think and feel.
They may become excessively arrogant and can not
conceive of other individuals having unique thoughts,
feelings and attitudes.
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Fact Stacking:
The sex offender uses the technique of fact stacking so
that even though he/she may be telling the truth, the
facts are arranged to be most favorable to the offender.
E.g., Fact: daughter came into room and demanded to
sleep with me. Additional facts are omitted such
as: a thunderstorm had terrified the child and the child
was seeking safety and security.
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Phoniness:
This thinking error occurs when the offender pretends or
projects himself as being cooperative and helpful,
while, in fact, a great deal of manipulation is taking
place. The offender always thinks of himself
first. When the offender is being phony or being
nice to others, there is always something that will be
owed back to him/her later and normally the offender has
that in mind the whole time.
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Minimizing:
Minimizing is a common technique used by
offenders to allow themselves to believe that what they
have done is not really important or damaging.
He/she will look at reality and find one aspect of it to
minimize, therefore he/she can minimize the entire act.
"I didn't actually have sex with her just fondled her a
little. At least she's still a virgin." or "She's
had sex with other boys anyway."
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Vagueness:
Vagueness is a clear and intentional action to avoid
being pinned down. If the offender is vague and
unclear, the the reality of his/her actions can never be
examined. In vagueness, the offender will fail in
assignments, will only hear what he/she wants to hear,
and will be stumbling around innocently in treatment and
never work at or even look at the reality of his/her
crime. Examples are "It just sort of happened",
"I'm not sure", "I don't remember" or "I blacked out".
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Anger:
Offenders will use anger to manipulate and control
others. If he/she is confronted with a behavior
that is inappropriate, outrage and anger can cause all
the attention to be given to the anger, rather thatn to
the criticism of the offender. When the offender
demonstrates tantrums, aggression and outrage, he/she
gains the center stage and everyone tends to focus on
the anger, rather than him/her.
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Secretiveness:
The offender uses a veil of
secrecy to avoid looking at the reality of the
situation. He/she will use this as a weapon
against his/her victim, often making the victim feel
trapped and obligated. He/she will use this in
treatment by focusing on confidentiality to avoid
openness and honesty. It is also a power play in
that if he/she is keeping secrets that others want
him/her to share, then he/she has power and control.
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Keeping Score:
Often the offender will be angry
and hostile internally, and rather than working on
problems, he/she will choose to deal with anger and
hostility by keeping track of mistakes others make.
If the offender is criticized, he/she will avoid looking
at the criticism, and instead, attempt to keep track of
the criticisms others are receiving. He/she will
computerize and calculate to find out if he/she is
receiving more criticism than other offenders. The
offender will become very busy with this "Keeping Score"
technique, and because he/she is involved with this
process, he/she will avoid working on his/her problems.
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Grandiosity:
Offenders use grandiosity to make
little things turn into very important things. As
he/she makes a big deal out of something, the issues
that were more important, become less important.
The offender will not only focus his/her attention to
something insignificant, but can often get others to
focus their attention away from the reality of his
actions. This technique often is called "setting
brush fires" as the offender would like to focus
attention in a very dramatic and grandiose manner away
from the reality of the situation and in a very
controlled, dramatic, and grand manner, will set little
fires of controversy and inquiry toward things that are
insignificant in hopes that the most significant things
will be discounted or left without examination.
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Victim Status:
The offender will often want to
present him/herself as a victim in order to manipulate
and control others. This is a form of
passive-aggressive behavior and is often used on the
people who care about the offender. If he/she can
become a victim of others, then usually those who are
close to him/her will rush to his/her rescue and the
crime of the behavior will be over looked. In
using this technique, the offender may develop problems,
such as illness or depression, may appear to be
financially devastated or he/she may want to talk about
his/her abuse as a child. If the offender can
become the victim, then he/she does not have to
recognize him/herself as an offender.
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Let's Fight:
The offender may use the technique of getting others to
fight so he/she can stand back and be the innocent
bystander. As he/she manipulates and controls
others into becoming aggressive and hostile towards each
other, he/she can become the "shining example of
maturity". The offender will often provide
information that will be upsetting to to some people so
that others will "fight". He/she may then enter
into the conflict and even attempt to resolve it.
If he/she can set up the conflict so that other people
look like fools in their hysteria and their "fighting",
he may resolve the conflict and appear to be in control
and powerful.
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Confusion:
An offender may present him/herself as puzzled and
confused about the reality of the situation.
He/she will present genuine concerns about issues, and
in this confusion, others around him/her will take it
upon themselves to figure out the confusion. The
offender will appear cooperative and will appear to be
attempting to follow the rules and comply with
treatment. In reality, he/she is simply presenting
the "puzzle" to others and standing back while they try
and figure it out. The technique is especially
used be sex offenders in understanding rules and
boundaries. If he/she can remain "confused",
he/she will not have to follow the rules and will
actually be in control.
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Helpless:
This thinking error occurs when sex offenders present
themselves as being helpless, incapable, and in need of
others. He/she will focus the conversation on
his/her inabilities, like; finding a job, keeping
appointments, following rules, respecting boundaries.
As the offender is "helpless" others will be called upon
to help him/her. This is simply another way that
the offender can be in control of others.
Additionally, if he/she is helpless, he/she is incapable
of accepting responsibility for his/her actions.
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You're Okay, I'm Okay:
Offenders often use the technique
of being extremely positive and agreeable in order to
avoid looking at the reality of the crime that he/she
has committed. He/she will minimize others crimes
so they won't question him/her to harshly and "slide"
with thinking that he/she knows in not healthy so others
will like him/her and everybody is happy. If the
offender can manipulate others into thinking in positive
terms, he/she has control, and will not have to look at
the reality of the crimes and damage he/she has done.
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My Way (Or the Highway):
This
thinking error is also known as all or nothing. We use
this thinking error by trying to exert our power over
others through insisting that things be done our way or
not at all.
Using
this thinking error, we see things in only black and
white, success and failure. We do not see
alternatives and we lose our power to choose between
alternatives. We believe we have to be "number one."
Anything less is failure. For example; "If I can’t
be the best, I don’t want to do it." "If we can’t play
basketball, I don’t want to play."
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The Hopovers:
This
thinking error is also known as sidetracking or
"changing the subject." An offender will use
this thinking error when he/she tries to change the
subject or when confronted with facts about his/her
behavior. He/she will
bypass to another subject very quickly to distract
others from the real issue.
For example; "Why did you molest
that child?" Response; "In some cultures girls are
allowed to marry at 12 years old. Remember, part of
learning is disciplining yourself to stay focused and
deal with the issues or problems at hand.
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I Can't:
Sometimes we use this thinking error so that others
won’t expect us to do what is required or expected. This
attitude is in contrast with the offenders normal
behavior since his/her self-image is that of a powerful
person who is totally in control. "I can't"
expresses unwillingness -- "I won't". Saying "I
can't" represents failure to make a choice to live
responsibly.
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Mr. Goody: The
sex offender using this thinking error is sentimental and
thinks him/herself a good person and not a criminal despite
a possible long history of major sexual crimes.
His/her sentimentality reveals itself, for example, as a
love for a relative, compassion for; babies, the disabled,
the elderly and pets. More of this is present
in his thinking than in his actions. Many
offenders regard themselves as religious, pray sporadically,
and some irregularly attend church. His/her
sentimentality is fragmented and is quickly eliminated in
search for sexual excitement or excitement in general.
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It's Mine: This
thinking error is when an offender believes that it is
proper for him to take possession, by stealth or force,
anything he chooses. When he/she enters a room, he/she
views all the contents as belonging to him/her. When
he sees an attractive woman, he regards her as a bed
partner. The offender's thinking and action reflect
the world view that his/her right's, desires and objectives
are more important than those of others. He/she has
abused society and all the while insists on what he/she
views as his/her rights. His/her "rights" means the
license to do as he/she pleases without accountability.
The offender has failed to learn that one persons' liberty
(rights) end where the next person's nose begins. The
offender using this thinking error is used to taking people
for granted and prejudging how they will and ought to
function.
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Refusal to Acknowledge Fear:
This thinking error is where one refuses to acknowledge
fear. He/she cuts off any fear that stops him/her from
doing what he wants to do. A healthy minded person
would use fear as an incentive for self-improvement and
living responsibly.
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Superoptimism:
The offender is superotimistic as h/she regards him/herself
triumphant in the enterprise of stopping deviant sexual
activity. He has cut off his fears and thinks he can
control all events in which possibilities become
accomplishments. Early in treatment, this offender is
told that the program is difficult, and it's duration is
long, and that his/her thinking processes must be eliminated
and new ones learned and implemented. He/she is
certain that there is nothing to it. In his/her mind,
he/she has made the decision to live responsibly, and little
else is required. Superoptimism is accompanied by
complacency. Once he/she's got it they quickly loose
interest in doing the day-to-day grueling work of a program
and will often skip group for some fabricated reason.
